the idea of this post is that children need safe spaces to experience and learn to deal with difficult emotions, with the implication that fiction like movies can serve a role in this effort.

i don’t disagree with this post. i think this post is correct. but i think the things being advocated in this post need to be done carefully.

this is another post about child abuse. i’m kind of dealing with the trauma of my child abuse right now.

when i was a kid i was allowed into adult media far too early. i view it now as a form of emotional neglect that my caretakers engaged in. they did not put enough care into what i was allowed to watch or read. and they never, ever engaged with me about it.

i was shown adult horror movies that scared the literal piss out of me, i was shown urban legends tv shows and true crime shows about rapists and murderers, all before i experienced puberty. i also had undetected early onset schizophrenia, and these scary things triggered episodes of psychosis and night terrors that ultimately led to me spending an entire school year not sleeping. and nobody talked to me about it. when they did notice my poor reactions to the movies and shows i was shown, they mocked me. i was a baby for getting so upset.

just having difficult emotions thrust on me through fiction did not help me learn to deal with those emotions and feelings. instead the way i was treated destroyed my ability to do so for years. even now, i avoid horror movies, because i’m still afraid i’ll spend the whole night unable to sleep – and that will cause psychosis or other negative mental health symptoms for me.

but i do think there are ways to do this right.

choose age-appropriate material for the child. something can be challenging but still appropriate, not too much to handle but also not infantalizing them. this will vary by child, some kids can handle heavier stuff earlier than other kids. knowing what is age-appropriate for the child will require conversations and familiarity with the specific child in question.

choose interest-appropriate material for the child. Secrets of NIMH is an amazing movie, but if your kid has no interest in talking animals they’re less likely to really get it. otoh if your child is really into unicorns, maybe check out some Bruce Coville – it’ll be more impactful than something they’re not into. knowing what is interest-appropriate for the child will require conversations and familiarity with the specific child in question.

have conversations with the child around the material you’re providing for them. yes, all of it. this is important stuff. whether it’s something you read or watch together or something they read or watch themselves, talk to them about it. see how they understand what happens, see how they feel about that. tell them how it makes you feel, and how you process those emotions. ask open-ended questions that let them think more about what they’re learning.

make all of this normal and safe and as pleasant as you can. learn yourself and teach the child about things like self-soothing, emotional regulation in general, meditation if you can. learn to identify and address early signs of mental illness or neurodivergence. connect with professionals as needed – and remember that therapy can be helpful for anyone, not just mentally ill people.

or that would have helped me, anyway.

so a lot of my gender experience as a child is informed by the fact that i was also being abused by my caretakers from the age of 8 (or perhaps earlier), which, for a socially slow-to-develop autistic child, might have been when i was naturally beginning to discern a difference in genders of the people around me and to figure out what my own place in that was.

if reading about misogynist child abuse would trigger you, please don’t continue.

up to that point, i hadn’t really thought much about gender. i had only sisters, and most of the people in my mom’s family were women, at least most of the people she brought us around. men were rare oddities, nothing so common as to be worried about. when i got into school there were boys, but those weren’t men, they were more like me. kid-gender, if anything.

when my mom married her first husband and we moved to where his family lived, things changed. his family was mostly men, and the women in his family seemed to enjoy upholding misogyny. my step-dad’s sister, my aunt, would watch us kids while my mom and her husband worked full time, and she spent her days psychologically tormenting me in various ways. my refuge was engaging with things she liked, which were usually more masculine interests like metal music and horror movies*. she would often mock women in the movies and shows we watched, and i was expected to at least laugh, if not join in. she and her brother would mock my mother to me relentlessly, and i was expected to accept and join in too. when my older sister started wearing makeup, that was ridiculed (even though my aunt herself wore makeup from time to time) and again, i was expected to comply.

(* yes, i understand that metal music and horror movies can be enjoyed by anyone. i currently like metal music quite a lot! they are still both masculine-coded and male-dominated spaces, and the way my aunt engaged with them (and the way i was forced to as well) involved misogyny. she liked them because they were made by men and avoided woman-made art, such as female fronted metal bands.)

i was encouraged and praised for becoming more masculine. i was forced into sports. i was encouraged to play violent video games and listen to angry music. coupled with the intense and persistent mental and physical abuse, i truly feel these people ripped away whatever my innate gender would have been, and i have been reconstructing myself ever since.

for a very long time i have related to my resulting gender construction as a transgender experience, ever since i learned what trans people were and understood that for whatever the reason happens to be, “not the same gender as the one assigned at birth” very much applies to me. i labeled myself as simply nonbinary for many years and it has suited me well. i do feel my gender still encompasses a nonbinary experience. it’s also fluid; my gender changes and fluctuates from time to time.

in recent years i have been slowly coming more to womanhood. a new coworker used “she” for me, and for the first time in a long time it didn’t feel wrong. i started questioning my relationship to my body and its various parts. i started feeling right in myself, and changing what i didn’t like (coloring my hair, adding piercings and tattoos, dressing differently, wearing makeup i actually like). i feel like, understanding myself as a nonbinary woman, i am more me now than i ever have been.

and i think, despite my agab, the concept of coming into your womanhood in your 30s is something maybe a lot of women can relate to.